8 Facts about fear, forgiveness & following Jesus
Social Media Status: I’m still off social media, and it’s so freeing, focusing, and peaceful that I cannot now imagine going back, but I suspect I will eventually.
I had the special privilege of leading a women’s weekend retreat on fear in Myrtle Beach last weekend. Fear is a popular topic, with so many fear-fueling apocalyptic happenings, most of which are far beyond our control, surreal and spiraling. We covered the gamut.
Mr. Musk’s mighty—if haphazard axe—indifferent to the impact down the food chain. Our president’s world-shaking sketchy bedfellows, constitutionally questionable ideals, or hangers full of humans being shipped away.
Speaking of shaking, it’s concerning that some can’t get to the mailbox without earthquakes, mudslides, floods, ice floes, or getting shot at by a newly crazed human. Solar flares and other planetary phenomenon aside.
Don’t forget the family doctor, kindly neighbor, or influential pastor being exposed as a secret satanic abuser of some kind. Plus, the evil folks who are undisguised. And the stock market.
Whew.
I'm not fear-mongering. I want us to feel the pain of our powerlessness so we run to the One who has all power!
That’s GOOD NEWS! God is bigger than all of it.
Bad news: If you’re wrong with God, there’s bad news!
Everyone had a favorite fear, but many of the most poignant and paralyzing were relational. And that’s what I want to talk about here. Because it’s all connected and the remedy is the same.
I will share some things that may seem radical even for ardent, professing Christians. Jesus is radical. I’m not offering novel interpretations of Truth but reminding us of Christ's challenging words that shattered sacred cows then and now.
We have fallen away in a big way, which is the cause of all our problems and fears. This is another long blog because I'm citing The Word in text. If you read nothing else, read Christ's words in red.
I could preach this mostly from the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 10. It sums up everything neatly, but here are some other verses to make the point.
Most important is to bring yourself and your
circumstance to the Lord yourself and seek His direction above all! He wants to hear from you and He wants to speak to you. Believe it! 💖
Forgive. For Christ, for them, and yourself.
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)
We're repeatedly commanded to forgive, even to live in a default state of forgiveness. We do many things to one another while being human, without malice. We need forgiveness for bad days, H.A.L.T., momentary meanness, etc. As Christ commands here and elsewhere, forgiveness is not only a matter of obedience, it’s humble recognition that we’ve all sinned and that all sin separates us from God.
We all need mercy.
Moreover, our forgiving others is not dependent on their admission of guilt. Maybe we never confronted the injury and they’re clueless. That’s on us. Perhaps they know they’ve harmed us, but don’t care. Forgive.
Viewing all of God’s commands as being authored by a loving Sovereign helps A LOT. Forgiving freely frees us and guards our hearts from bitterness, which is costly:
15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)
I helped write a convenient, helpful, and convicting book on this topic with Dr. Beverly Carnes Lowe. 7 Steps to Uprooting the Seven Roots of Bitterness. If resentment is an issue for you, check it out!
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.
Forgiving can seem unfair and undoable. Apart from entrusting justice to a perfect Father, read for some qualifiers that greatly help!
2. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.
“…If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Jesus, Luke 17:3-4 (NLT)
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if they won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector." Jesus, Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT)
This is Jesus talking, friends. In Luke’s recounting of this oft-cited verse, Jesus says that forgiveness is contingent. Since Jesus’ overall message is one of loving and forgiving even our enemies, we want to err on the side of mercy and grace we so desire for ourselves.
Yet this is not mutually exclusive from walking away. By design, our ability to forgive may depend entirely on keeping a safe distance and or loving the offender from afar.
May we all be comforted by the knowledge that the Lord Jesus and apostle Paul had all sorts of relational issues that didn't play out in textbook tidy ways.
God loves us unconditionally, but reconciliation with our Heavenly Father requires repentance and acknowledging Christ's Lordship. We should not be surprised that our experience mirrors His.
A couple of significant sidenotes. Repentance is not saying “I’m sorry” and repeatedly doing the same thing. Repentance is sincere remorse demonstrated by a change in behavior and an effort to repair damage done. Treating an unrepentant person like a “pagan or tax collector,” as Jesus suggests can be interpreted as either someone who needs saving or as someone evil to be avoided.
Either way, Jesus grants permission and commands, “stay away.”
Some of you have suffered needlessly for a long time because you’re enduring repeated, unrepentant offense, a wound salted by feeling you're unforgiving and deserve the mistreatment.
You may risk communicating honestly with someone who repeatedly gaslights you—blaming you, lying, or deflecting, denying the offense—dramatically magnifying the injury. If someone is too proud to own their wrong, it's bad.
Jesus says it’s okay to walk away, for your sake and theirs. I put it this way,
“Bless and release.”
One sweet woman I spoke to at the retreat was tortured by an abusive, active alcoholic mother and was saddled with false guilt, haunted by the command to honor her mother. Consciously or unconsciously entirely narcissistic, her mother was clueless and indifferent to the harm she was doing.
Unconditional “forgiveness” can be destructively enabling or permission to sin.
And Jesus said, “...Go and sin no more.” John 8:11b (BLT)
"My friends, you are spiritual. So if someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path. But watch out, and don't be tempted yourself. You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand." Galatians 6:1-2 (CEV)
"Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, so that they may feel ashamed. "Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer. 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15 (CEV)
One of the most difficult realizations in our fraught relationships is that our “unconditional love and tolerance” may enable the offense harming us or others, contributing to their sin, harm to others, and our pain.
An extreme example is the abusive drunk or adulterer who begs for another chance but takes no genuine, decisive action to change and repeats the behavior over and over again. This is mutually destructive. We suffer the consequences of their behavior while they’re not motivated to change their behavior because we suffer the consequences. You see the problem.
You can't be a doormat unless you lie down.
Yet this truth is not limited to the more radical examples I cite. If we keep picking up our partner's socks from the living room floor, they're not motivated to do it, no matter how much we yell.
If we keep lending money to the under-functioning adult child, they won't need to get a job.
If we submit to the abusive boss because the pay is good, that's our choice, the abuse will continue, and usually gets worse. The system won’t change.
Spiritually, if we position ourselves as the boundaryless emotional comfort and authority for a friend or sponsee, we hinder their deepening reliance on God or emotional growth.
As a recovering codependent, I can say I have been chronically complicit in such dynamics from both sides and it’s not an exaggeration to say it’s been disastrous.
4. Our fear may signal we’re sinning by staying.
If seeing our part in our suffering and others' destructive impact is painful (it sure was for me), recognizing the gravity of the sin that drives it can be horrifying and liberating.
As extreme as it may seem, our relational fear may signal that we're outside God's will by staying in relationship. We may be making unholy bargains God condemns. Recognizing this truth can also empower us to end unhealthy or destructive relationships as a matter of obedience to God. Here are a few of God's explicit boundaries:
Narcissism & Idolatry
This modern-day pandemic has infected every area of society...homes, church, government, entertainment...you name it. It's an ancient affliction, well-documented throughout Scripture. Anyone or anything we place above God is an idol or worse, a surrogate god. God doesn't like competitors, not merely because He's jealous, but because He knows they'll flagrantly fail us.
Narcissists are particularly toxic because self-deification enables great evil. If you think you're god and you're not accountable, you're capable of anything. Don't look for horns and a pitchfork:
You can be sure that in the last days there will be some very hard times. People will love only themselves and money. They will be proud, stuck-up, rude, and disobedient to their parents. They will also be ungrateful, godless, heartless, and hateful. Their words will be cruel, and they will have no self-control or pity. These people will hate everything good. They will be sneaky, reckless, and puffed up with pride. Instead of loving God, they will love pleasure. Even though they will make a show of being religious, their religion won't be real. Don't have anything to do with such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (CEV)
Being greedy, indecent, or immoral is just another way of worshiping idols. You can be sure people who behave this way will never be part of the kingdom that belongs to Christ and God. Don't let anyone trick you with foolish talk. God punishes everyone who disobeys him and says foolish things. So, I don't have anything to do with anyone like that. Ephesians 5:5-7 (CEV)
The systemic narcissism that's wrecking the world depends on unholy alliances that begin with us. How are we party to the poison we condemn? Who have we empowered over God?
Bad Company
Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” Think carefully about what is right, and stop sinning. To your shame, I say that some of you don’t know God at all. 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NLT)
In contemporary society, God's explicit prohibitions seem outrageously, even offensively, narrow and antiquated. Il
We tend to relegate a Holy, righteous God who hates sin to the Old Testament to justify a gentle Jesus who sanctions sin. God is not bipolar, outdated, or a man that He should lie. The God of our misunderstanding still cares about sin. We're all living with the consequences of misunderstanding God's nature.
If we suspend our post-Christian savvy and choose to believe God, we'll see why we experience so much fear and discomfort in certain relationships. We'll understand why so many fearful things are happening in the world. Call it consequences, discipline, or punishment.
Paul offers unequivocal instruction:
When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (NLT)
Yikes! That’s probably 95.876% of most modern churches, though this so obviously doesn't make it okay. In context, Paul is warning the church at Corinth that such unrepentant sins by professing believers corrupt the community. Can there be any doubt?
These same sins are repeatedly condemned throughout the Bible, from start to finish.
Implied elsewhere is also to guard against companions who are envious, gossips, angry, hateful, dishonest, cruel, criminal, arrogant, and argumentative, among other traits excluded from God’s kingdom. (Galatians 5:19-21. Romans 1:29-31). That’s a mighty tight circle.
We’re not talking about people who are sincerely struggling and submitted to Christ. We’re talking about those who are indulging in a free-for-all apart from Christ.
We cannot simply ignore that most of Paul's letters were to Christian communities and that Christ warns us to clean our house first. (Matthew 7:3-5, 1 Peter 4:17, Revelation 2 and 3).
False Prophets & Messiahs
“Jesus told them, “Don’t let anyone mislead you, for many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah.’ They will deceive many. And you will hear of wars and threats of wars, but don’t panic. Yes, these things must occur, but the end won’t follow immediately. Nation will go to war against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in many parts of the world. But all this is only the first of the birth pains, with more to come…“Then if anyone tells you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah,’ or ‘There he is,’ don’t believe it. For false messiahs and false prophets will rise up and perform great signs and wonders so as to deceive, if possible, even God’s chosen ones. See, I have warned you about this ahead of time.” Jesus, Matthew 24:4-8; 23-25
Thanks to social media and now, AI, we're bombarded with pseudo truth in beautiful packages! The latest AI ruse is that some YouTubers are misrepresenting content—good, bad, or indifferent—with the voice and likeness of respected authorities, authors, pastors, and theologians, dead and alive.
The deceit undermines even good content, but moral standards have declined to the point that many neither know nor care.
Our fears may be our spiritual antennae detecting dangerous deception, however appealing to our pride, need, greed, and ironically, our fears. These folks can seize our mortal fears to capture crowds, promising safety.
Don’t think prophets and messiahs are cheesy televangelists, turbaned gurus, freakish cult leaders, or Jesus lookalikes. They can dress nice and act nice, feature loads of scripture and wisdom, have giant followings, and spearhead religions, corporations, governments, or other empires. They can peddle promises of rescue and rewards. See my recent post on prophets for more details.
Don't be a lemming. Christ says the results of following such folks can be terminal. Let your fears drive you to the only One who promises lasting safety, Christ.
All narcissistic, these predators are famous for the bait and switch, luring you in before revealing their criminal colors.
Likewise, we want to guard against being influenced by those under the influence. Cult followers…and that’s what they are…are notoriously, vehemently sold out and can be very convincing, eager to convert or condemn those who resist or dispute them.
If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them. For people like that have turned away from the truth, and their own sins condemn them. Titus 3:10-11 (NLT)
That's forceful language! If we feel led, we can try to confront the insanity, exit, or keep a comfortable distance to be available when their idol shatters. It will shatter.
We don’t want to waste to precious time and peace, engaging in futile arguments.
Unbelievers
It's one thing to evangelize unbelievers, quite another to cultivate close relationships with those who show no interest in Christ, ridicule, or have actively rejected God.
“And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you. And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.” Jesus, Matthew 10:13-15 (ESV)
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14 & 16 (NIV)
Again, as extreme as it may seem, this is no time to dicker with God's clear directives, all designed in LOVE. Our boundaries may be the very thing that compels someone to revisit their convictions!
Hell-Bound
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels." Matthew 25:41 (ESV)
We may feel fear and wariness because we rightly sense a person's evil. Or we may be anxious on their behalf because we know they're in danger and risk God's unbridled wrath, vengeance, or hell. Our omniscient God knows who's who. Jesus and others repeatedly speak to this with bracing clarity.
In Matthew 13 alone, Jesus shares several parables that indicate some have already chosen their fate...and that God allows it, even closing their eyes to saving insight. Our compassion can intensify our fear. We may endure toxic relationships because we hope to rescue when their fate is already sealed. Many other verses speak to this scary fact.
It will be terrible for people who cause even one of my little followers to sin. Those people would be better off thrown into the deepest part of the ocean with a heavy stone tied around their necks! Matthew 18:6 (CEV)
Innocent Others
"So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:33 (ESV)
"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2 (NIV)
We may feel fear because God has ended something we insist on cleaving to, which can result both fear of disobeying God and the fear associated with letting go of someone or something in which we placed our security.
Jesus wants us to rely on Him first and foremost, and He can and does sometimes lead us away from people and places without fault. The apostles were called in the midst of living their ordinary lives, asked to leave everything behind.
God will prune people, places, and things that are obstacles to His purposes for our lives...and certainly those that have become idols. We might sense a growing distance, sudden barriers to connection, or the person may reject us, seemingly without cause. We might lose our jobs or sense that God doesn't want us to participate in a particular activity any longer. We may suddenly find no more grace for something or someone because God wants us to move on.
Ask God for insight and then let go promptly, entrusting yourself and others to God.
We’re meant to be set apart, consecrated to God.
"They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth." John 17:15-17 (NLT)
The Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:16 (NLT)
Again, as extreme as it may seem, the Lord commands us to be set apart and holy. Seeking to grow in purity reflects our standing in Christ.
“If you love me, obey my commandments...Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me.” John 14:15; 24 (NLT)
And you know that Jesus came to take away our sins, and there is no sin in him. Anyone who continues to live in him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know him or understand who he is. Dear children, don’t let anyone deceive you about this: When people do what is right, it shows that they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous. 1 John 3:5-7 (NLT)
Consecration means separation.
Consecration will lead you further away from sin and from some people. The ultimate separation is to come when Jesus returns to judge the living and the dead. As I've been studying The Gospel of Matthew again, which I urge you to do, I've been struck by how forceful, uncompromising, and yes, condemning Christ is. The closer we are to His return, the more stark the division.
"The Son of Man [Jesus] will send his angels, and they will remove from his Kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. And the angels will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 13:41-42 (NLT)
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left...Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” Matthew 25:31-33; 46 (NLT)
As sobering as all this is, there's an even more challenging reality...
Jesus doesn't make exceptions for family.
Talk about sacred cow! If you made it this far without bailing, this may be where I lose you...or better, where you lose it. For others, Jesus' words will set you free, His intent for all of us.
Several of the retreat women were trapped in fear-filled relationships with family, captive to obligation. Setting boundaries and staying connected with addicted, abusive, or alienated loved ones can be as anxiety-producing as the destructive behavior itself.
Dear one, Jesus addresses that, too. I've walked through all of it. You can, too. I will let our Lord spell it out for us:
21 “A brother will betray his brother to death, a father will betray his child, and children will rebel against their parents and cause them to be killed. 22 And all nations will hate you because you are my followers. But everyone who endures to the end will be saved. Matthew 10:21-22 (NLT)
“Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. ‘I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be right in your own household!’ “If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Jesus, Matthew 10:34-39(NLT)
He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:48-50 (NIV)
While it may seem contradictory, Jesus' words freed me of fear because fear of people enslaved me. I remained in agonizing, unhealthy, and destructive situations because I feared people or what they thought, more than I feared God.
Before you knew God, you were slaves of gods that are not real. But now you know God, or better still, God knows you. How can you turn back and become the slaves of those weak and pitiful powers? Galatians 4:8-9 (CEV)
"Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell. What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows. Jesus, Matthew 10: 28-31 (NLT)
10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please
Here's another radically liberating insight. Fearing God doesn't mean legalistic rule following! In close communion with Christ will gain insight unique to us. For example, I stayed married because I feared "God hates divorce." The much greater sin wasn't the divorce, but knowingly disobeying God to marry a man out of human fear and making him my higher power. Very costly.
Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom…and freedom.
Your fear, hurt, or outrage may reflect God's heart & wisdom!
God isn't a liar and doesn't change his mind. God hates sin and the crushing harm it causes all creation. You may be deeply grieved by someone's conduct toward you, themselves, or others because it grieves God's heart and the Holy Spirit in you.
The closer you get to Jesus, the more you'll discern disconnects and find them painful. You can read Jesus’ and the apostles’ anger, distress, and dismay throughout the New Testament. As we seek God and submit to His sanctifying work in our lives, we'll become more like Jesus, not a one-dimensional, watered-down Jesus, but lion and lamb.
"But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart." John 2:23-24 (NLT)
Jesus not only hated the destructive impact of sin, he hated hypocrisy, angrily and openly exposing and condemning it. You may be struggling to forgive or to be in an ongoing relationship with someone who doesn't admit their injury or refuses to change, whether it's gross abuse or some more benign sin. There can be no authentic relationship with a mannequin.
Naked repentance is a condition of reconciliation with Jesus, so it should be no surprise if we don't feel comfortable reconciling with unrepentant people. While we're to hate the sin and love the sinner, we need not, and often must not, be in relationship with unrepentant sinners.
After all this, however heavy, there remains Good News for perp and prey! We've all been both!
8. In Christ, we need not fear.
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."1 John 4:18 (NIV)
This passage, along with "there is no condemnation in Christ" (Romans 8:1) is routinely quoted out of context, to suggest that living in wanton, unrepentant sin without fear of consequence, eternal or otherwise, isn't a problem. Please. It's not true! Nor was it ever. In fact, up until a few decades ago, this was routinely preached in churches of every denomination. Don't be deceived!
Christ didn't come to condemn the world, but to save the world. If we repent, He'll save and sanctify us and we'll spend eternity with Him in heaven. If you're living in persistent fear and persistent sin, it may well mean that you're not in Christ!
"He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother." 1 John 3:8-10
I'll let Jesus wrap it up for us:
“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it. Matthew 7:13-14 (NLT)
From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Matthew 4:17 (NLT)
PRAYER:
Lord Jesus, please reveal yourself to us anew and allow us to re/turn to You! May we draw so close to You that we are serenely shrouded in Your Most Holy Spirit and Name, We ask it! Amen. Thank You. I love You.
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