INTRIGUING EDITORIAL NOTE (Dare I say):
This is small semi-detour from the long-simmering Narcissism series but highly relevant. Parts are likely to be repeated elsewhere. It's also an unexpected addition to the Fourth of July and Unity posts I shared earlier today. I'll explain: I started writing and titled this piece months ago and set it aside. Last night, I dreamt the words “exposure equals extinction,” repeated a few times, loaded with feeling. That's never happened to me before. It was striking! This morning, Rick Warren’s daily devotional was on confession. You can see how it was like, “Okay, God, I hear You. I’ll post it!” That's why you got three posts back to back!
“Exposure equals extinction” is borrowed from psychology, where it’s used to describe a standard method to treat phobias. By exposing the phobic person to their kryptonite, they can be freed from the sometimes-paralyzing shackles of their extreme fear.
Some therapists take a gradual approach: look at a picture of a snake, see a snake in a tank, hold the snake. Others jump in the deep end: Get right on that scary airplane. I favor the latter, especially concerning sin/defects/failings.
Exposing our darkness to the light extinguishes its power and enables God to free and heal us. Hiding our stuff poisons us and for sure doesn't please God, who saved His scariest words and warnings for those who hid their wrongs or motives.
Recent headlines underscore the danger of keeping secrets long-term, whether you’re Boeing, a pastor, or garden-variety you and me.
God is on a mission to expose evil. And not just Hitleresque or Boeingesque evil. Banal* and everyday, petty evil anyone can and does commit.
God's motive is love.
“Confession is good for the soul” comes from a Scottish proverb that affirms that admitting our sins and shortcomings frees the soul and makes room for God to help us.
Until we acknowledge our powerless ness over whatever it is, we can’t receive God’s life changing power.
CONFESSION FEELS GOOD!
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John 3:20-21 (NIV)
I’m using “Exposure equals extinction” to describe the priceless benefits of confession. Yes, confession. Confessing our sins or admitting our wrongs can itself be a paralyzing fear—one that keeps us bound in shame, anxiety, depression, and often, the poison itself.
Whether nursing resentment, addiction, or withholding the truth, we’re hostage.
What’s hidden hurts.
"We're only as sick as our secrets."
Jesus died to set us free. Confession and repentance liberate us.
SIDENOTE: In fact, while we're focusing on confessing sin, it can also be liberating and life-changing to confess positive things, like our faith, hopes, love for someone or a want, or need someone who cares about us can help meet.
DEFINING DEFECTS…OR SIN
"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God." 2 Corinthians 7:1
Let’s please normalize the word "sin" again without sugarcoating so we can stem the tide of trouble we’re in on the planet. To define sin/defects/failings without belaboring the religious aspect, what is sin? Archery calls it missing the mark. Whatever our spiritual orientation, we can probably all agree on a few.
Twelve-step programs highlight selfishness, dishonesty, pride, fear, resentment and lust. Those alone will keep most of us busy. You may have a list of your own. God lists many more, most of which even Christians readily overlook, singling out only those that particularly bug them personally. I’ll be covering this topic more in an upcoming blog.
Though Christ died for our sins, He called us to holiness and obedience, two words that make me squirm. Jesus tells us to aspire to perfection even while we rest in His completed work and unwavering love. Since we will all fall short on our best days, God offers the remedy of confession and repentance, which helps “extinguish” the sin, among other benefits.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
The effectiveness of diligent Twelve Step programs is their simplicity in promoting this time-honored, biblically grounded practice of ongoing, thorough confession. The looming threat of relapse urges recovering people to comply because so much is at stake.
Somehow, we’ve lost this essential practice in many churches. We’re often so focused on other people’s sins that overlooking our own, even though God strongly warns against judging others without first pulling the plank from our own eye.
Even in churches where confession to another is a mandatory practice, it seems to have become a routine without any gravitas.
SECRET SHAME
A lot of life can happen while we stay bound by our secrets. In recovery, we say, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” Whatever we hide divides and sickens us. We may treat our unconfessed defects with Xanax or Prozak or someone or something else, when what’s torturing us is a guilty conscience or fear of our sin finally catching up with us.
There is a little more tormenting than a guilty conscience.
In modern culture, we’ve demonized shame as unloving, but healthy shame is healthy. Healthy shame is the emotional signal telling us we’re acting against our values and conscience. Used to be when I felt ashamed and wanted to blame someone for shaming me when, in reality, my feeling were alerting me to something that needed attention.
Often, we can find ways to silence this nudge…with socially acceptable or other behaviors, including various addictions, control, busyness, overworking, and over-serving. This only drives us deeper into hiding, never addressing the underlying issue.
JUST GET REAL
King David knew this and shared it openly all over the Psalms, most notably in Psalm 51, when his positively delusional and damning debacle with Bathsheba tortured him.
Please note that God calls David “a man after His own heart.” Evidently, not because David was a goody-two-shoes, but I believe because David was REAL and RAW, naked before His Father when he messed up royally, pun intended.
I always like to remind people that even though God treasured and used David mightily, David and his family suffered terrible consequences for his outrageous sins. I’m sure if David had a chance to do it again he would’ve been guarding against his predictable vulnerabilities and avoided acting on his impulses.
We’re left with his instructive example.
David confessed a lot. The psalms are full of heartfelt, unguarded confession to inspire us.
GET RIGHT WITH GOD, PLUS
Scripture addresses this often. Confession is the basis of repentance and turning/returning to harmony with God. Though He never stops loving us, we know a guilty conscience impacts our spiritual and other relationships. Plus, God hates sin. We’re assured that Jesus will forgive and cleanse us if we confess.
Repentance
What is genuine repentance? It’s not just feeling bad about doing wrong. Honestly, that may simply be the involuntary response of violating our own conscience and doesn’t prove you recognize what you did was wrong.
As a well-qualified codependent, I’ve been very, very “sorry,” apologizing for everything, including the kitchen sink. However, there were undeniably times that while I really felt bad, I was not willing or maybe even able to change in my own power so my was pretty so my “Sorry” was pretty sorry, and didn’t change me or the quality of my relationships.
True repentance involves:
Acknowledging the wrong the sin with genuine remorse.
Confessing to God and another trusted confidante.
Seeking forgiveness.
Demonstrating a willingness to change and taking relevant action.
Restitution or making amends to the injured party unless that would only make matters worse for them or others.
Genuine repentance leads to harmonious reconciliation with God and within ourselves, which is integrity (Luke 17:3-4, Matthew 18:17, Matthew 5:24). It may not always lead to reconciliation with others, who may or may not respond the way we’d like. We’re powerless over others.
Tellingly, Catholics call confession “reconciliation.”
FORGIVENESS VERSUS RECONCILIATION
While we’re commanded to forgive--for our own sake--we’re not required to be in a relationship with a human when there isn't genuine repentance… or vice versa. There’s a reason for that. Let me explain.
I’ve experienced the revealing reality of this spiritual truth. There have been times when I finally mustered the courage to confront issues that were bothering me, and the person either didn’t acknowledge anything (crazymaking gaslighting), made it about me (demoralizing), or half-apologized about a lesser wrong (a more profound injury), leaving the elephant unaddressed. Have you experienced this?
There are also those who will shower you with gifts or loving attention, all the while not addressing the unconfessed wrong that's eating at them. What they really want is reassurance to assuage their conscience. That's gaslighting, too and multiplies the offense.
That’s why some relationships don’t feel good, safe, and true.
Strikingly, Jesus says this:
“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent (emphasis added), forgive them. (Luke 17:3).
It's no accident that our human experience with those who harm us and don't repent reflects our relationship with Christ. It's the Holy Spirit inside us who's grieved by these disconnects.
Jesus hated hypocrisy and promised hellfire and damnation to "whitewashed tombs." We can't hide from Him and expect it to not have an impact. If we intentionally do, at best, it hinders relationship, blocking the "sunlight of the spirit."
Likewise, doing loads of good deeds or over-functioning while harboring secret sins, or even trying to buy God off doesn't fool God. That's hypocrisy, too, just like the Pharisee's Christ so harshly condemned.
There are a few sobering passages and scriptures that underscore God’s view on unrepentant sin.
“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.” Hebrews 10:26-27
“Those who live in Christ don’t go on sinning. Those who go on sinning haven’t seen or known Christ.” 1 John 3:6
WOW!
Different denominations interpret these verses differently--including the loss of eternal security--but regardless, erring on the side of caution is wise…or lifesaving. I’ll be sharing more on this down the pike.
"Exposure equals extinction" can extinguish in a bad, way, too. The fiery pit type.
Regardless, we always do well to forgive, not only because God commands it, but because it frees us from bitterness. Even so, if need be, move on because the offenders remain toxic and are either unaware or unwilling to change. The narcissism series will dig deep on this topic.
CONFESSING TO OTHERS
In Twelve-step recovery, confession is the foundation of healing and peace. First, we admit powerlessness over our struggle, then catalog and confess our other defects/sins, and finally, make amends as needed. Once we’ve initially cleared the decks, this goes on to be a continual, even daily, practice.
Participation in daily meetings is also encouraged and involves confessing our particular issue right off the bat: “My name is So-n-So, and I’m a whatever-aholic, codependent, etc.” Equalizing.
People tend to look down on addicts and other sinners as way worse than others when the Bible lists a whole lot of sins that are offensive to God.
Our churches would be very different if we were open about our particular brokenness: “My name is So-n-So, and I’m a gossip, a nag, a glutton, greedy, fear-filled, or short-tempered.”
Hmmmmm.
The Prompt & Power to Change
I have found more is continuously revealed over time. God is merciful and gracious, and doesn’t unload on us with both guns right out of the gate. But when he does reveal some area of sin, we want to respond promptly.
I have felt despair over my inability to change, and there’s great comfort and knowing we don’t fix ourselves. We surrender.
It’s a relief to know that God is doing the heavy lifting in changing (sanctifying) us. Jesus is less of a self-help program and more of a grateful and humble admission of our abject dependence on His work in us. We cooperate with His work in us by our willingness to be changed, choosing to do the right thing and not doing the wrong thing, confessing when we fall short. All with His loving assistance.
I have definitely found that I am more sincerely willing when the pain of the sin/defect outweighs the pleasure. Fear of God is also a motivator that's lost its sting for many it seems. Jesus said he'd separate the wheat and the chaff, burning the latter in unquenchable fire. Ouch!
The Vatican I Catholic church used to require confession to a priest before taking daily communion because we’re not supposed to observe this sacred practice in an “unworthy manner” while wantonly sinning. We’ve all gotten dangerously casual about that. No fear of God or witnesses.
CONFESS 100%
“…He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart….”1 Corinthians 4:5
I have a master’s degree in management and PR, and the best practice when there’s a misdeed is to come clean quickly and publicly, fully owning it. Newsfeeds are full of both extremes. Those who quickly own up to mistakes and dig more profound and humiliating holes by denying wrongdoing usually magnify the no-no. This is not merely about controlling the narrative for image management but owning the facts with integrity. That’s where the freedom lies, not coming up with you at another façade or doubling down with a new set of lies.
Hmmmm.
"I'd rather humiliate my sins, then have my sins humiliate me." Tomi Amoyami
Catholic Priest training includes the admonition to call people out and “refuse absolution” if they seem to be lying or holding back. Of course, we believe absolution comes from God, but we’d all benefit from somebody calling us on our destructive delusions for our sake and for the sake of others.
For example, a noted pastor was recently exposed for some gross sexual shenanigans with a child many years ago. Awful enough, but magnified by the fact that he leveraged his confession with his church to illustrate humility and repentance about adultery and sex addiction while neglecting to mention the fact he was preying on the twelve-year-old child of family friends. Horrible half-truths that are coming back to get him. The ramifications of all this have yet to come out, but they will.
On the larger scale, public figures and companies are suffering greater consequences as a result of repressing truth. Boeing is one of the latest to be exposed but there are more to come.
Starring Mark Ruffalo and Tim Robbins, Netflix' Dark Waters reports on Dupont Chemicals' truly evil chemical dumping which sickened and killed people and livestock. They hid it for decades. When they were finally held accountable, it cost them $671 million in settlements and jail time for some. It's a powerful illustration of our human hubris in the face of wrongdoing and how costly it can be.
Come 100% clean.
ONGOING HUMILITY & DEPENDENCE
Protestants mostly abolished confessing to others, stating that it was sufficient to confess directly to God. I used to believe this, too, but now I know I can rationalize my unconfessed sin in my pretty little noggin. James 5:16 urges us to admit to one another, which is humbling, healthful, and affirming since our friends can encourage, identify, and pray with us.
Twelve-step recovery urges ongoing confession, at least daily. Step Ten calls for us to check ourselves often for common sins, confess them promptly and make amends if needed.
That’s one of several reasons Twelve-Step programs have helped so many people overcome addiction. The modern-day American church could learn a thing or twelve from these time-honored spiritual practices, well-documented in the Bible and employed for centuries, falling out of fashion to our obvious detriment.
SELECTIVE SINNING
I want to gasp in horror and wag my finger at this or that sin, but alas, I’ve done and do the same. I self-select what sins are okay and not okay. In my defense, I'm sometimes totally oblivious to my sins. But we’re talking about it when we know we’re wrong and keep it up, maybe with elegant rationalizations that impair us.
Not to spoil your day, but God’s standard is perfection, which puts us all in the doghouse apart from Christ. And while adultery is more awful than, say, gossip or fear, the whole lot of them are sin and destructive (Romans 1).
SIN.
Let’s get used to the word again. It’s not old-fashioned. It’s not irrelevant. It’s the reason our world is as it is, spiraling at baffling speed with anxiety, depression, and suicide at all-time highs; we’d be wise to ask ourselves why.
Ask ourselves. Us. Focus on US. Not so much, WHAT THEY’RE DOING WRONG.
This, too, is a Twelve Step principle. If we’re bothered, we should self-examine. It’s not original to the Twelve Steps (See Matthew 7 or Romans 2).
FINGER-POINTING
The Christian church has seemingly forgotten that we should be looking at our sins, not self-righteously saddling and shaming others.
Thus, if you’re feeling angry, anxious, or depressed, you may have a biochemical issue, or you may just be suffering from a lack of repentance and unconfessed sin/defects/struggles.
If you can’t keep track of your lies anymore.
If you’re obsessively controlling someone or something.
If you're falling apart.
Confession will help. Admitting we're powerless over our sin is the gateway to accessing God's power to transform us and heal us.
LOVE & FREEDOM
God is love and He invites us to vulnerable, honest relationship with Him, humble dependence for ever little thing.
Ignatius of Loyola offers the Examen, a daily examination of conscience, a more meditative approach to confession. What I love about it is that the tell on our spiritual state is “freedom.” The practice invites us to note the areas where we’re not free. There’s a handy app called “Examen,” which can help with that.
God sets a standard and invites us to repent and confess, not to be a killjoy or micromanage us with random rules. His goal is harmony, wholeness, and freedom of the most delicious, liberating variety. God repeatedly reminds us that not only will he forgive us if we confess our sins, but he will heal us, including helping us overcome repetitive sins, whether it’s gossip, lying, donuts, or sexual antics.
That’s Good News for sure.
Confession…and repentance…. it's what's for breakfast!
EXPOSURE IS UNDERWAY
God is exposing evil, including what may seem like the petty evils of our daily lives. Exposure can come from conscience, confrontation, consequences, or otherwise. The remedy is the same, and it goes way better if we respond honestly, fully, and of our own accord.
Remember: God's motive is always love, no matter how fearful facing and confessing our brokenness may be.
Freedom awaits! Cease it!
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